I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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