you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
