You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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