we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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