you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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