Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
