im drinking this country out of the recession.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
