i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
