He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
