my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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