this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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