explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i dont even know how to be here
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
