Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
