i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
