question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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