omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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