i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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