Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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