are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
