i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
