Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
MIDGETS
????
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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