I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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