After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
