Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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