my mouth tastes like poor choices
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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