ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
