I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
