I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
