she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
