new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Randomize
