She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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