if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
