I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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