U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
