you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
