remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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