The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
