I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
