I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
