If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
