Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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