Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
