How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Randomize
