Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
