he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
