In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
