it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize
