i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
