i permit you to call me
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
