I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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